when I started this blog five years ago, I was a pet sitter and the name animal-crackers made sense. now I'm a stay-at-home-dad and freelance writer, but rather than confuse everyone by getting a different blog, it's just easier to keep posting things here.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Hooking up at Grandma's
I arrive at the house shortly after 1 pm and find the front door unlocked. As I step hesitantly inside, I see a young man, perhaps in his early 20s, sitting cross-legged in front of the television.
"Hi," I say. "You must be Sallie's...."
"Grandson," he replies.
"Hi, I'm Todd. One of the pet sitters. I hope you don't mind, I'm just going to take care of the birds and puppies."
"No bother at all."
The two dogs look fine, if rather sedate. Normally they're bouncing off the walls. With one eye on Junior, I take care of the three canaries. Fresh food and water, fresh newspaper, etc.
As I'm doing this, the young man gets up and I see there's now a young woman with him. He asks me if I have a key before they leave with a couple small pieces of luggage. I survey the house to make sure nothing big, like the computer or a television, is missing. And it didn't smell like they were smoking or drinking.
But obviously, something was going on. And I'm just trying to imagine how the precursory conversation went.
"Hey, my Grandma is out of town. Wanna go over to her place and make out? She's got cable."
Or was it something more subtle:
"Hey, I need to stop by my Grandmother's and pick up some, um, Ben-Gay. It'll only take a few minutes."
Or maybe:
"My Grandma has this huge collection of musty clothes. Vintage stuff. You really need to check it out."
This is probably the most likely scenario:
"My Grandma has an ass-load of liquor at her place, and the old drunk is out of town. Let's get fucked up."
Yeah, it's probably the last one. I know it gets me every time.
"Hi," I say. "You must be Sallie's...."
"Grandson," he replies.
"Hi, I'm Todd. One of the pet sitters. I hope you don't mind, I'm just going to take care of the birds and puppies."
"No bother at all."
The two dogs look fine, if rather sedate. Normally they're bouncing off the walls. With one eye on Junior, I take care of the three canaries. Fresh food and water, fresh newspaper, etc.
As I'm doing this, the young man gets up and I see there's now a young woman with him. He asks me if I have a key before they leave with a couple small pieces of luggage. I survey the house to make sure nothing big, like the computer or a television, is missing. And it didn't smell like they were smoking or drinking.
But obviously, something was going on. And I'm just trying to imagine how the precursory conversation went.
"Hey, my Grandma is out of town. Wanna go over to her place and make out? She's got cable."
Or was it something more subtle:
"Hey, I need to stop by my Grandmother's and pick up some, um, Ben-Gay. It'll only take a few minutes."
Or maybe:
"My Grandma has this huge collection of musty clothes. Vintage stuff. You really need to check it out."
This is probably the most likely scenario:
"My Grandma has an ass-load of liquor at her place, and the old drunk is out of town. Let's get fucked up."
Yeah, it's probably the last one. I know it gets me every time.
4 Comments:
Hahahahahahahahahahaha! That's really funny.
It's like those other old ploys - "boy it's getting hot in here, I think I'll take off my shirt" or "honey don't think - just feel" which of course is code for don't "think" about how embarassed you'll be tommorow for hooking up with a troll like me just "feel" how desperate you are for attention and validation and sleep with me anyway.
.... good times.
Whoops typing error in username. Anonymous is me.
Oh the last one always works for me too!
Actually no if some guy told me his grandma had a ton of vintage clothing I could go through I'd be there in a heartbeat.
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