when I started this blog five years ago, I was a pet sitter and the name animal-crackers made sense. now I'm a stay-at-home-dad and freelance writer, but rather than confuse everyone by getting a different blog, it's just easier to keep posting things here.

Last week I decided enough was enough. I fired my hair stylist and a clerk at the Walgreens. Why? I didn't like the way they looked.

Over the weekend, I used my influence to have a friend hired at Half-Price Books, and then made sure he received a raise. Now he makes $6,000 a year.

And yesterday, I embezzled $50 in government funds and misspent it on a donation to the Sierra Club, then lied to investigators about it.

Why do I do these things? Because I need Bush's backing. I desperately need his approval. He needs to better support my family, and this is clearly the best way to get his attention.

Tomorrow I might just stomp my feet and throw myself to the ground in a fit of rage because Bush refuses to add a Reese's peanut butter cup to my tax refund.

Mr. Bush, McDreamy, you will give me your unwavering support and approval. Goddamit, you will.