when I started this blog five years ago, I was a pet sitter and the name animal-crackers made sense. now I'm a stay-at-home-dad and freelance writer, but rather than confuse everyone by getting a different blog, it's just easier to keep posting things here.

They need to make a first-person-shooter game starring Jesus. Not the "Blessed are the meek" Jesus. The NRA Jesus.

He's on a mission to rescue Charlton Heston from gay alien Islamists who throw croisants.

Actually, what I meant to write about today is an AP-AOL poll that showed 25 percent of Americans think Jesus will return to Earth in 2007. Does anyone think he would be caught dead in a hellhole like Earth? Oh yeah...

More to the point, if he hasn't showed up by now -- what are the odds that he'll show up within the next 366 days? (Leap year.)

The same poll showed 19 percent of Americans think scientists will discover evidence of extraterrestrial life. Seriously? Do microbes from Mars count -- or does it have to be something more X-Files?

So given 20 people -- five are expecting Christ and four are expecting aliens.

It's safe to say these aren't the same people, so roughly half of America expects the Messiah or Men In Black.

It's not for us to judge what kind of people believe 2007 will bring non-Earthly beings (be they heavenly or not).

Branch Davidians. Heaven's Gate. People's Temple of Jim Jones. David Hasslehoff.

They're just people, like you and I. But with guns and poison and beachwear.

We shall not judge.